That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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