I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
