Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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