sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
