I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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