I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
