so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
