theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
