My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
