When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
