The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
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As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
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Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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