HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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