If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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