Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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