her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
