drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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