i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
