And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
