My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
