would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
