I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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