help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
