just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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