That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
