...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
