I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
