Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
