if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
