i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
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Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
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We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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