he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
