then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
