Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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