Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
