I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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