i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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