We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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