yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
