I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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