I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
