I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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