i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
