God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
