i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
