I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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