bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
