He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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