You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
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I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
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okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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