i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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