i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
