I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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