I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago