His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
