I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
