The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
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I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
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He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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