so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
