Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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