My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
