I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
