I'm going to jail i love you
your room smells of hookers.
And success
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
the day after is always just damage control
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
