Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
