Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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