you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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