I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
