she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
